30 Days

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Today marks 30 days on the road for me.

30 days of having no consistent bed to sleep in.

30 days of dirty clothes and backpacks.

30 days of long car rides and even longer plane rides.

30 days of not being in one place for longer than 4 nights.

30 days of no solid foundation to call home...

except, of course, for the earth I walk on.

30 days of finding new places. Meeting new people. Learning new languages. And tasting new things.

30 days of awareness, of newness, of presence, of breath, and sweat.

30 days of movement. Of eyes wide-open. And heart even more wide-open.

30 days.

5 different countries.

6 different time zones.

And just... me.

And this world.

And my sister

(and then sisters).

I leave SE Asia and head back to the States in 4 days.

And if I’m being honest..

like really, really honest with you all:

I am absolutely terrified.

I’m terrified of the noise I’ll face,

the distractions I’ll meet.

I’m scared of the familiarity

and the social expectations.

Of seeing people I know.

And understanding everything I hear.

(I’ve grown used to the silence that comes with not speaking the same language as the people I’m surrounded by.)

I’m scared of being greeted by the old me.

My old stuff.

My belongings. My car. My life.

Because I feel different now.

I don’t feel like that person anymore.

I feel

quieter now,

softer now,

simpler now,

cleaner now.

Since leaving the States, I haven’t drank, I haven’t smoked, I haven’t been gluttonous, nor lazy. I haven’t watched TV nor slept in.

Everything has changed.

Both inside of me,

and how I perceive the things outside of me.

And everything about going back to the States

feels LOUD.

And complicated.

And overwhelming.

And just... well... different.

And it’s scary.

To feel like you don’t recognize yourself.

But more importantly, that the people you know won’t recognize you either.

But I’m stepping forward as this new me.

And I have faith that I won’t lose sight of her.

I won’t lose her to the noise of my old life.

I’ll use her to reshape my old, stale life into this new, restored life.

Because I love her.

I love the person I have become on this trip.

I believe her.

I respect her.

And I hope you all will too.

(Written: July 26, 2019)