My Story
You want to know my story. But stories are hard to tell when your face is smashed too close to the page to read the words.
I remember the first book to make me cry, to make me feel. "Here," my mom had said, "I think you'll like this." At 3am, I clutched that book to my chest, wailed, feeling wounded. My mom awoke, came to my room, and both our eyes fell to the book in my hands. She nestled next to me, didn't say a word, and held me in her arms while I cried.
Thanks to fate or the stars, I was surrounded by loving literature teachers. As the youngest of eight children, I had never felt special, or original, or at times, even seen. But they saw me. They heard me.
In high school, I was voted as "Most Likely to Write a Book." I laughed thinking, "I'm not a writer, I'm just a reader." But that class saw something in me - they believed in me before I believed in myself.
In college, I was a finalist for the commencement speech. I wasn't chosen and was devastated silencing words meant to inspire an arena full of people. But walking out of the final audition, I thought to myself, "I'm a writer, not just a reader."
In the years that followed, I lost my voice, my purpose, my passion, myself. I lost a life, a love, I thought was my own. Bit by bit and all at once.
Recently, I've deconstructed. Relocated. Rebuilt. I can no longer hide from myself. There is nothing, no one, to distract me. At times, it's terrifying, incredibly lonely. Some times, I have to get on my mat and lay, just breathe. Most times, I have to write and keep writing, just to keep breathing. These words, they help me. I need them.
Now, I feel like these words could help others. Like maybe others need them, too. It's not about inspiring an arena, but anyone and everyone. I want to whisper words of strength to those that need them. Like I do. I want to make people feel. Like I do.
You want to know my story. And truthfully, I want to know it too. I've been stuck on this page. I'm trying to zoom out. It's blurry. Unfocused. When I know there's a full story here - a story I need to tell, a story people need to hear. Help me step back, focus. Finish this page, begin a chapter.
(This piece of writing was the Instagram post I submitted to enter the giveaway for Once Upon a Seek Retreat — the writing and yoga retreat hosted by Kathryn Budig and Kate Fagan — that I mention in the “About” page of my website. This post, and the subsequent trip it took my on, changed my life. It will always hold a very special place in my heart.)