Tiny Elephants

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Tonight, when I got home from a particularly long night at work, I could see my anxiety running at me like an elephant across an open field.

I couldn't ignore it, couldn't avoid it, because my anxiety was so big - so massive and unavoidable - that I knew it would eventually catch up to me, and hit me.

And then... it hit.

I started overthinking every step at work. Every mistake. Like that time I forgot someone's drink, or straw, or lime. That time I dropped that spoon on that guy's lap, and when I forgot to clean the espresso machine after using it. That moment when I got frustrated, and moody. When I snapped at my coworker. How I handled this situation and that. What I shouldn't have done and what I should have done. And from there, it spiraled.

I overthought all night until my thoughts became my dreams.

And that stupid elephant stampeded right from my thoughts into my dreams, and grew even bigger.

So today, feeling exhausted, I talked to my sister about it. I told her about my anxiety, my overthinking thoughts, my suffocating elephant. Cried as I explained that the hardest part is trying to push that elephant away from me. Getting it to move. When it doesn't want to budge. When it feels so heavy.

She calmly reminded me: “Anxiety dwells in the past and in the future, but not in the right now."

She told me to stop stewing. That I couldn't fix the past, or change the future.

To go outside. Be present. Take a walk. Read a book. Write.

So I did.

And here I am. In this moment.

And now, that elephant doesn't feel so big.

And I don't feel so small.

To those who may be battling their own elephants, I hope this serves as a gentle reminder to find the now. I hope you know you’re not alone. And when you feel small or suffocated, I hope you always, always, turn to someone that builds you up.. someone that makes you feel bigger than even your biggest elephant.